Much like crime, being a superhero doesn’t pay. So that means that the secret identities behind the masks need paid employment, Superman’s Clark Kent is a journalist, Daredevil’s Matt Murdock is a lawyer and Batman’s Bruce Wayne throws around an endless amount of money.
However in this day and age, it’s not easy to live on the wages of a part time job, and it’s even harder to maintain a day job when you have to leave early every shift for crime related reasons. There comes a time in every superheroes life when they need to grow up and get a real job, so in the spirit of recruitment we thought we’d give them a hand.
Spiderman – Window Cleaner
Peter Parker seems to have been a student forever and must have amassed a crippling amount of student debt and swinging around in a skin tight leotard is not a cost effective solution. However New York has a lot of skyscrapers and those skyscrapers need their windows cleaning.
With superhuman strength, speed, agility and stamina plus the ability to cling any surface that isn’t a bath, Spiderman can easily make his way up and down the thousands of windows in those hard to reach places. The only downside to this career path for the web-slinger is leaving finger marks on the recently cleaned windows.
Wolverine – Sous Chef
Wolverine is the best at what he does and what he does isn’t very nice (Uncanny X-Men 162), so why not choose a different career? Sure having 6 huge adamantium claws and a metal skeleton limits career prospects (anything with a metal detector is out) but a move into catering could be the right choice for him.
Never wanting to be a leader, the role of Sous Chef would be perfect for The Wolverine, bringing his own utensils to work he can chop, slice and dice food with extreme precision. However there would be some hygiene concerns with all the facial hair and the whole claws coming out of his hands thing, but some Dettol would probably clear that up, right?
Wonder Woman – Pilot
Back in 1942, before Wonder Woman could fly she piloted the Invisible Jet and surely the skills she has gained from that could easily be transferred into flying a visible jet? A visible jet would have plenty of benefits to Wonder Woman, she could see the controls and having a visible toilet on board would offer so much more privacy.
Being a warrior princess with the beauty of Aphrodite, wisdom of Athena and strength of Hercules may sound cool on a rsum, but in reality it’s probably her excellent piloting skills that would secure her a career and income.
If the piloting career didn’t work out for Wonder Woman, there would certainly be a place for her as an interrogator. Her Lasso of Truth would shorten the time spent interrogating by around 100%
Superman – International Courier
The economy has seen a rising demand for international shipping over the last decade, people want to order stuff from around the world and have it arrive the next day, the solution? Superman!
America’s favourite superhero can fly around the world in less than 10 seconds, making him an excellent candidate for the future of premium time-sensitive deliveries. Not only would Superman be able to set up his niche delivery service to catapult himself to the levels of rich that only his pal Batman sees, it also eliminates the need to pay for package tracking as it would arrive in a matter of minutes.
The Flash was also considered for this role, however due to running over oceans, packages tended to get a bit too wet.
Catwoman – Rat Catcher
Apart from leading a team of ninjas in a half-shell, rats have hardly had a favourable reputation amongst a society who can questionably hold a difference in opinion between mice and hamsters. Nonetheless, rats represent the king of the rodents and despite Pixar convincing us that they’re a dab hand in the kitchen, they are an unwelcome household guest and the black spot of the business world.
Though the yellow pages may point to your stereotypical rat catcher in times of infestation, surely a woman who spends her time on all fours and is known for her cat-like features would be more appropriate. Though she’s more cat in name than by nature, Catwoman’s feline affection means that she’s more than adept at dealing with your rat catching needs (after all, she has nine chances). Surely this would be the perfect career for her to purrrr-sue. She may be a cat burglar, but crime doesn’t pay. MEOW!